HELP! WE ARE EMPTY NESTERS!

On our youngest daughter’s 18^th birthday, we woke up, looked at each other, and were hit with the reality that all three of our children were now technically of “adult” age. Our first two children had officially left our home to live on their own and work full-time jobs.  Our youngest had graduated and was leaving for college in just a few short months. We looked at each other, the realization settling in…

With tear-filled eyes, Irene asked, “Where did the time go, Jimmy?”  

Bursting with excitement, Jimmy responded, “I know, right?! Now I finally have you all to myself!” 

Clearly, we both were both processing this new season in two VERY different ways! Thankfully, we realized that like all transitions, this phase was an opportunity. We can reach new levels of intimacy and togetherness as we discover what our new “normal” looks like, or we can allow the tension of the unknown to divide us. 

Transitions give us two options: we can drift apart or grow closer together.

Acknowledge and Accept the Season 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything” (NIV). It is critical that empty-nester (or other transition) couples acknowledge the season they are in and openly explore how they feel about it. Discuss with your spouse how you think this new season will impact both of you as an individual and the two of you as a couple. For example, here are some questions that ran through our heads as we found ourselves in a foreign season:

• How will it feel when the kids leave home, and our once-loud house becomes so quiet?
• Will we enjoy the alone time we previously never got enough of, or will we find it depressing?
• What will we do with all this extra “free time” in our schedule?
• Will my spouse get bored with me and eventually lose interest in our relationship?
• Outside of being parents, who are we?

Through reading books on empty nesting and asking other empty nesters about how they coped with this season, we discovered that these questions are a normal part of the fear and insecurity that come with transitioning into a new phase of life and marriage. 

When we put a period at the end of a season, whether it’s dropping a child off at kindergarten or high school or watching them drive away to college or their new home—it may not be related to kids at all—but change can hurt. You may feel sadness and grief, and that’s okay. Just bear in mind that with these life changes comes the opportunity to experience a greater level of intimacy, love, comradery, and joy with your spouse.  

Every ending offers the opportunity of a new beginning. We get to decide what that looks like. Here are two things to think about as you prepare for empty nesting or to add to your list if you are already in that season. It is never too late to press the reset button and commit to this journey of intentionality together.  

‍

1. Be Intentional 

Be intentional about investing in your marriage before you are an empty nester. Decide today that your marriage is a priority on your schedule. Block out time for date nights and enjoy getting to know your spouse all over again. Start dating consistently and try new activities together. Rekindle an interest you may have put away for the season of raising kids.  

‍

2. Communicate Often

Talk about the things you can do with this newfound freedom in your schedule. This might include playing pickleball, taking dance or cooking classes, or even trying golf lessons. You might join a small group with other empty nester couples, or you could mentor a couple who is in an earlier stage of marriage. If none of those things sound fun or interesting, keep brainstorming. What are some things you can do with your spouse that the two of you will enjoy?

Embrace the Season

Shed those tears, share what you are grateful for, and take a trip down memory lane together as you appreciate all God has done in your life and relationship. Then take some time to celebrate! Reframe the “loss” as the beginning of a new, exciting adventure. No matter how much you prepare or invest in your marriage before the kids leave, it will still be hard. But you can do hard things—especially when you do them together! Hold onto your spouse and lean into the grief and joy together. Care for one another emotionally as you create your new normal together.  

Here’s a helpful hint: if you never stop working on your marriage, you won’t find yourself drowning with each new transition. While we all process new seasons in very different ways, there is one thing we can agree on that can bring us comfort, and that is the fact that we still have each other. Embrace your season of empty nesting together, and you will have the marriage of love, laughter, and longevity you desire!

‍