Forgiveness is a decision but Reconciliation is a Process

Are you tired of hearing “I am sorry” with no change in behavior? Those three powerful words that can breathe life back into relationships—that is, until they get disconnected from the actions we think should follow them. “I’m sorry” quickly loses its power when we start hearing it more than seeing it in our marriages. 

Many couples get stuck in a cycle of resentment and shame when there is unresolved pain. What do you do when it seems your spouse has made more withdrawals than deposits in a particular area? Or when they’ve emptied the “I forgive you” tank and the intimacy slowly drifts into contempt? This is an equation for unforgiveness to multiply in your marriage.  

I experienced this cycle firsthand in my own marriage. I found myself constantly skewing towards the negative, keeping mental records of my husband's faults. I thought I had forgiven Jimmy because he said, “I’m sorry” and I said, “I forgive you,” but my attitude hadn’t changed toward him. Our tiny disagreements over finances would escalate into messy arguments. There were patterns of behavior that continued over time like drops in a bucket that had reached its brim. I saw Jimmy as the problem in these areas, and I was totally blind to my own issue—unforgiveness. 

One day, I was speaking to my counselor, and she gave me a challenge. She told me to pause three times a day and spend 3–5 minutes listing the things I love about Jimmy. Now, I have to be honest: in the beginning, that challenge was a challenge. It wasn’t easy! Of course, there are countless things I loved about Jimmy, but those weren’t the things my frustration wanted to focus on. But wouldn’t you know it? The challenge actually worked! As I leaned into the process, 3 minutes turned into 5 minutes, and I began wanting to show Jimmy more compassion. When I practiced thinking about what I loved about Jimmy, I subconsciously broke my cycle of resentment towards him. 

Here’s a life-changing truth I learned: forgiveness is a decision, but reconciliation is a process. Forgiveness is a choice we must make, not a feeling we can fake. Is there an area of your marriage where you thought you had forgiven your spouse, but maybe there is 10 percent anger or frustration left that you did not express in the conversation? Perhaps that 10 percent has overtaken the 90 percent, leading you to fixate to your spouse’s faults in a way that only repeats the cycle of unforgiveness. 

Here’s our challenge for you: Stop the cycle of unforgiveness and resentment by making the choice to forgive today. Ask God to give you the patience to accept the process of reconciling and start by focusing on the positive. When we take the first step to choose to forgive, we can move forward to the reconciliation process. What does this process look like? More about that in “Forgiveness, Part 2!”

‍