Wake Up Your Marriage

Does the idea of being married to a person who is committed to getting to know you as you evolve and change over the years together sound like a fairy tale?

The truth is that having a spouse who not only knows about your wounds and backstory, but also cares for them, can feel vulnerable and frankly unfathomable to many. Maybe you and your spouse keep butting heads. You disagree all the time, and the tension is growing in your home each day. You feel misunderstood, as if your spouse just doesn’t get you or even want to try to understand you. You are not alone. 

Once the high of the newlywed phase wears off (approximately 18–24 months into a relationship), couples are left to navigate the reality of two very different people coming together as one to try to heal the layers of hurt from the past and unlearn issues from their families of origin. This can be overwhelming! And when something is overwhelming, many people back away, hit the cruise control button, and just hope for the best. But in a marriage that operates on autopilot, spouses will, no matter how unintentionally, begin to drift part.  

So, how can you build a marriage relationship with your spouse where you are both so present and in tune with each other’s needs that you love each other in a way no one else on earth can? It starts by recognizing God’s design for marriage. God designed marriage to be the place where we feel most known and accepted—flaws and all. This kind of relationship produces the greatest sense of belonging and intimacy. 

But how do we go from an unconscious marriage where we are living and behaving on autopilot to a conscious marriage where we are present and aware? In an unconscious state, we tend to be reactive, but when we are conscious, we are awakened to the things below the surface that cause us to behave the way we do. In an unconscious marriage, we behave out of the past. We lack awareness of how the past impacts our present. In a conscious marriage, we are aware of our emotions, and when we get triggered, we acknowledge and address our feelings. We take the time to know how we are wired and how our spouse is wired, and then we work together to problem solve. Knowing our spouse’s pain points helps us care for them in a way no one else can.

There’s an old adage: “If you keep doing the things you have always done, you will always get the same results.” Perhaps it is time to take a deep dive into getting to know yourself and your spouse on a deeper level. No matter what phase of marriage you are in, you can move from unconscious to conscious, from autopilot to fully aware. This will give you the wonderful opportunity to create a new “normal.” 

Set aside time to pray together and begin exploring the why behind the way you feel and the way you behave when your spouse triggers you. Has there ever been a time when you were triggered by something your spouse said, and your response was either out of control or muted? How did you feel? Start the conversation there and begin the work of self-discovery. Ask God to heal that place in your heart. We pray that as you begin to identify the why behind the what, you can heal from the past and move forward in being fully present for one another.

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